Rememberance - Tammy Ann "Mom"

No words could fully encompass the strength of feelings I experience when discussing my mother. It swings in such a broad range it is difficult to even understand myself. Rage for missing out so many years with her and my own two eldest children, to the depths of sorrow for the simple things that made us all laugh until we cried.

There had been times that I had gotten angry at her. Things that I could have easily moved past, but raged on and on about until I exploded. But most of that was from growing up, being the eldest of three in a military family had it's own set of problems and stresses that many couldn't relate to. While being a teen I wouldn't say I was a rebel, but I would say I went against the grain with my parents and my siblings. Mom took alot of shit from us kids, we gave her a hard time growing up, and just as much of a hard time as adults.

I remember rather vividly the last time I had stopped in to visit with her and the kids. She was sitting at her brand new "puter" as she called it, and was playing a puzzle game with Thomas and Laura right there, staring in fascination. I had asked if I could stay the night, because I was working on leaving my ex husband and she looked up at me, her right leg propped up on a chair seat with a brace on her ankle and shook her head at me. "No hunny, we just don't have the room. Davids here and Eugene is staying in the backroom, upstairs Cindy is staying up there and the rest of the place is just packed." I was furious, a plain stranger to the family takes presedence over her own blood? The nerve...but I took it with grace, I realised I wasn't the only one that needed some place to call sanctuary and left.

The next morning, around 7 am I got a frantic call from Una, the cel wasn't that great of signal with my living out in the country side and I couldn't hear half of what she was saying. "..Iisa! Get....shoes...Mom...hospital!" It broke off before I could find out more, the signal too broken up. I was going on eight months pregnant with Allandra at the time, and was wide awake when she called, the ringer scared the shit out of me, and I shuffled about in my nightgown getting my shoes and some clothing on before I heard a rapid knocking at the door shaking it in the frame. Startled I bolted for the door, mind you big belly + floor equals pain, but I didn't fall I ran as fast as I could to get the door saw my sister standing there, white as a sheet, and shaking. SHAKING! I had never seen her shake and I knew right away something was wrong. My dad was there too at the truck, hand on the wheel and a hard look on his face. Like he was afraid but didn't want any of us kids to know. "Whats going on?" Una:"Get your shoes on, moms in the hospital, they said it was her heart."

By the time I was dressed and ready to go, my then-husband woke up and was getting ready to head to town for groceries. I dragged him by his elbow and told him that I needed to get to the hospital and I had to leave as soon as possible. Una and Dad headed out, and my husband drove me up there. He had to leave for work later on, thankfully (I couldn't stand him seeing me weak for a moment, he used my weaknesses enough to his advantage.) and I stayed there with my two sisters at the hospital the whole time until we knew what was going on.

My mother, Tammy, had passed on from a pulminary embolism. A blood clot had moved from her leg into her lungs and heart region and caused her to choke to death. No one knew what to do at the time it happened and no one could do anything to save her either. We girls, stayed there beside her while she fought for her last breaths, whether she was there or not in that shell we call a body, we'll never know. But I felt her there, when we rubbed lotion on her hands and feet in hopes that she would come to, when we decided together, that she shouldn't be kept as a vegetable for the rest of her physically living years. She knew and expected the choices we made and I still feel her here to this day. Sometimes I wake up hearing her call my name and whisper things to me, but I can never quite hear exactly what she's saying. I'm not sure if this is something that others would call a haunting or not, but I believe she's here, watching over all three of us girls, out of love and care to see that we make it to our bright futures that she had spoken so avidly about.

All I know, is that day, we lost the glue that held our small part of the family together. Dad refused to speak about her after that, he never did open much to us girls. I went my way, to break away from my husband, and work towards the goals I had set for myself. My sister cindy, remarried and had another baby, which I hope she and her new husband are doing well. My sister Una, well, she has her own prime directive, my only hope is that she finds the happiness that I found after moms passing in Gery.