Rememberance - Norma Lee "Granma"

Now this is where things become a bit harder for me to write. Norma was close to all three of us girls, but I always thought her to be dearest to me. She passed on after Grammy did, in a nursing home with my youngest sister Una, at her side to the last moment. MILES and I do mean MILES away, I felt her go. I was warned the week before and had been on sanity's own edge for days waiting for the inevitable to happen. When my sister called me up, I was living in Dallas with a long time friend and busting my ass to provide for my youngin's Thomas, and Laura at a restaurant chain and taking as many hours as physically possible to feed not just them, but Tammy and whomever else was staying with her as well. Looking back, I can say this with alot of pride. I made sure they had the best, even it was for three years, but I provided more for them during that time, than I had ever been able to since. Two thousand dollars a month under the table.

At the time that my sister had called, she was in a panic. I had just walked in from a triple shift at the store and had sat down to take the phone that Billy held out to me in a blind haze.
Me:"Yeah?"
Una: "You might want to sit down.."
Me: "I already am Una. What is wrong?" I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was up, it was shaking, and choked up, her normally sunny voice was clouded thick with thunderheads ready to burst.
Una:"It's Granma, she's been in and out of the home the past few weeks. I don't think she's going to see it through the night."
I fell silent, that ugly black bubble inside my heart swelling with terror and anguish that just wanted to explode and smear all over everything I saw as glorious before this phone call.
Una:"You need to get up here Melisa. How soon can you make it home?" Her words cut through the fog that hung over my exhausted head.
Me:"As soon as I count how much I have and can get a ticket. Lettme call my manager and get three days off. Call me if anything changes."
Una:"Okay, I love you, Dad said to call as soon as you find out when you'll get to town." Her voice ...I'll never forget how small it sounded, I crumbled into tears and hung up the phone.

Billy knew it was bad news, I sputtered what was going on and told him I needed to get a bus ticket and to rush home as soon as I could. At that time I kept a very large coffee can of nothing but change. He and I sat there at the couch, spilling out the entire can of two months worth of change from work, and counted it all out. I still remember butting heads with him a few times in my haste to count, those lumps stayed with me for a few days after that. I have to admit, for a complete stranger to walk into my mothers life and my own and take me in, he had the biggest heart of them all. He put up with alot from me and my antics most of all.
$188.00 was in that can, and I brought every extra coin home with me. A round trip ticket cost me $65 bucks but I didn't care, I clung to that like my own life depended on it.

Later that night, I woke to an intense feeling pressing at my chest, it was warm and spread from my chest to my shoulders as if someone was giving me a really big loving hug. I didn't see anyone there, but when it faded something inside of me broke. I knew, I KNEW who it was from. She was gone, as brief as that touch was she was gone. The next sound besides that of my own crying brought me to alarm, my heart racing and eyes wide I picked it up as fast as I could.
Me:"Una?"
Una:"She's gone Melisa, come home.."
Me:"I know. I felt it."
She cracked, was perhaps my younger sisters thought, my own bubble of darkness just kept growing in the silence I held on the way home. I had bought the ticket the next day and boarded the bus to travel home. My manager at work sounded unpleased but allowed me three days off to help handle affairs, though I had no clue what I was in for.

On the trip home, most of the while I could feel hands on my shoulders patting me. I kept looking around aware that something was going on, but didn't understand at the time the gravity of that, alone. I kept waking with the sound of someone saying my nickname but not seeing anyone there. But of absolute certainty that someone was there, listening, mourning with me and trying to cheer me on. When I arrived, I kept watch for my sister and my dad. Those two were inseparable at that time, though I had an intense dislike for my father, Una made it all worth while and soothed any hurts that his rough words may have had. I shuffled my bag over my shoulder, feeling that familiar weight of a hand to my brow that was not my own, I stumbled off the bus to face my family in our darkest hours.

My pocket was shaking with free change, but a roll of dollar bills coiled up inside of it. Money that was handed to my mother the minute I saw her and my two children on the porch when dad dropped me off. Not a penny was ever wasted, something mom had pounded into our skulls growing up. Una and Cindy both stuck right by my side, I kept plowing through the shadowy veils that hid the small smiles that greeted me at the door of my mothers home. My little ones, my little stars in the darkest night were what kept me going in-spite of distance, and length of time that I had been away I could still hear them calling me to them. "Nana! Nana! Nana's home!" Thomas and Laura both clung to my legs, hugging up on me the moment I stepped into the house, giggling and laughing as I tried to walk with them hanging on. I kept looking down and a cheesy grin plastered on my face.

Somehow, death didn't seem all that scary or sad then. As I tugged my legs around with my 3 and 4 year old hanging on for the ride, my heart, all that darkness that clung to it, just melted away. Norma was a great soul, a powerful presence, and a wise woman. She taught me alot growing up, how to sew, the beauty of watercolor painting, the fascination of the black & white movies, and musicals that constantly played in her house when we girls were over to visit. She taught me alot about cooking, and tending to gardens, and herbs that she had around the house when she started to get sick. I saw those two innocent faces upturned to my own, giggling and laughing with such pure joy, and it cleansed any of the hurt and sorrow away, as if a sun peeking through the thunderhead that piled to spill it's lightening upon the earth so far below.

Mom and Dad and my Aunt Gaylyn handled the funeral arrangements, while we girls tended to the little things. The flowers from the local stores and hospital staff. The sympathy notes and presents that were left for all of us, not just Dad and Aunt Gay. As hard as it all was, my children made it easier to handle, their laughter and smiles kept me going even with the thunderclouds hanging over head.

I'll never forget their smiles, and laughter, that made the trip and the funeral and the time worth more than any other living moment I had to share.