Rememberance - Tammy Ann "Mom"

No words could fully encompass the strength of feelings I experience when discussing my mother. It swings in such a broad range it is difficult to even understand myself. Rage for missing out so many years with her and my own two eldest children, to the depths of sorrow for the simple things that made us all laugh until we cried.

There had been times that I had gotten angry at her. Things that I could have easily moved past, but raged on and on about until I exploded. But most of that was from growing up, being the eldest of three in a military family had it's own set of problems and stresses that many couldn't relate to. While being a teen I wouldn't say I was a rebel, but I would say I went against the grain with my parents and my siblings. Mom took alot of shit from us kids, we gave her a hard time growing up, and just as much of a hard time as adults.

I remember rather vividly the last time I had stopped in to visit with her and the kids. She was sitting at her brand new "puter" as she called it, and was playing a puzzle game with Thomas and Laura right there, staring in fascination. I had asked if I could stay the night, because I was working on leaving my ex husband and she looked up at me, her right leg propped up on a chair seat with a brace on her ankle and shook her head at me. "No hunny, we just don't have the room. Davids here and Eugene is staying in the backroom, upstairs Cindy is staying up there and the rest of the place is just packed." I was furious, a plain stranger to the family takes presedence over her own blood? The nerve...but I took it with grace, I realised I wasn't the only one that needed some place to call sanctuary and left.

The next morning, around 7 am I got a frantic call from Una, the cel wasn't that great of signal with my living out in the country side and I couldn't hear half of what she was saying. "..Iisa! Get....shoes...Mom...hospital!" It broke off before I could find out more, the signal too broken up. I was going on eight months pregnant with Allandra at the time, and was wide awake when she called, the ringer scared the shit out of me, and I shuffled about in my nightgown getting my shoes and some clothing on before I heard a rapid knocking at the door shaking it in the frame. Startled I bolted for the door, mind you big belly + floor equals pain, but I didn't fall I ran as fast as I could to get the door saw my sister standing there, white as a sheet, and shaking. SHAKING! I had never seen her shake and I knew right away something was wrong. My dad was there too at the truck, hand on the wheel and a hard look on his face. Like he was afraid but didn't want any of us kids to know. "Whats going on?" Una:"Get your shoes on, moms in the hospital, they said it was her heart."

By the time I was dressed and ready to go, my then-husband woke up and was getting ready to head to town for groceries. I dragged him by his elbow and told him that I needed to get to the hospital and I had to leave as soon as possible. Una and Dad headed out, and my husband drove me up there. He had to leave for work later on, thankfully (I couldn't stand him seeing me weak for a moment, he used my weaknesses enough to his advantage.) and I stayed there with my two sisters at the hospital the whole time until we knew what was going on.

My mother, Tammy, had passed on from a pulminary embolism. A blood clot had moved from her leg into her lungs and heart region and caused her to choke to death. No one knew what to do at the time it happened and no one could do anything to save her either. We girls, stayed there beside her while she fought for her last breaths, whether she was there or not in that shell we call a body, we'll never know. But I felt her there, when we rubbed lotion on her hands and feet in hopes that she would come to, when we decided together, that she shouldn't be kept as a vegetable for the rest of her physically living years. She knew and expected the choices we made and I still feel her here to this day. Sometimes I wake up hearing her call my name and whisper things to me, but I can never quite hear exactly what she's saying. I'm not sure if this is something that others would call a haunting or not, but I believe she's here, watching over all three of us girls, out of love and care to see that we make it to our bright futures that she had spoken so avidly about.

All I know, is that day, we lost the glue that held our small part of the family together. Dad refused to speak about her after that, he never did open much to us girls. I went my way, to break away from my husband, and work towards the goals I had set for myself. My sister cindy, remarried and had another baby, which I hope she and her new husband are doing well. My sister Una, well, she has her own prime directive, my only hope is that she finds the happiness that I found after moms passing in Gery.

Rememberance - Norma Lee "Granma"

Now this is where things become a bit harder for me to write. Norma was close to all three of us girls, but I always thought her to be dearest to me. She passed on after Grammy did, in a nursing home with my youngest sister Una, at her side to the last moment. MILES and I do mean MILES away, I felt her go. I was warned the week before and had been on sanity's own edge for days waiting for the inevitable to happen. When my sister called me up, I was living in Dallas with a long time friend and busting my ass to provide for my youngin's Thomas, and Laura at a restaurant chain and taking as many hours as physically possible to feed not just them, but Tammy and whomever else was staying with her as well. Looking back, I can say this with alot of pride. I made sure they had the best, even it was for three years, but I provided more for them during that time, than I had ever been able to since. Two thousand dollars a month under the table.

At the time that my sister had called, she was in a panic. I had just walked in from a triple shift at the store and had sat down to take the phone that Billy held out to me in a blind haze.
Me:"Yeah?"
Una: "You might want to sit down.."
Me: "I already am Una. What is wrong?" I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was up, it was shaking, and choked up, her normally sunny voice was clouded thick with thunderheads ready to burst.
Una:"It's Granma, she's been in and out of the home the past few weeks. I don't think she's going to see it through the night."
I fell silent, that ugly black bubble inside my heart swelling with terror and anguish that just wanted to explode and smear all over everything I saw as glorious before this phone call.
Una:"You need to get up here Melisa. How soon can you make it home?" Her words cut through the fog that hung over my exhausted head.
Me:"As soon as I count how much I have and can get a ticket. Lettme call my manager and get three days off. Call me if anything changes."
Una:"Okay, I love you, Dad said to call as soon as you find out when you'll get to town." Her voice ...I'll never forget how small it sounded, I crumbled into tears and hung up the phone.

Billy knew it was bad news, I sputtered what was going on and told him I needed to get a bus ticket and to rush home as soon as I could. At that time I kept a very large coffee can of nothing but change. He and I sat there at the couch, spilling out the entire can of two months worth of change from work, and counted it all out. I still remember butting heads with him a few times in my haste to count, those lumps stayed with me for a few days after that. I have to admit, for a complete stranger to walk into my mothers life and my own and take me in, he had the biggest heart of them all. He put up with alot from me and my antics most of all.
$188.00 was in that can, and I brought every extra coin home with me. A round trip ticket cost me $65 bucks but I didn't care, I clung to that like my own life depended on it.

Later that night, I woke to an intense feeling pressing at my chest, it was warm and spread from my chest to my shoulders as if someone was giving me a really big loving hug. I didn't see anyone there, but when it faded something inside of me broke. I knew, I KNEW who it was from. She was gone, as brief as that touch was she was gone. The next sound besides that of my own crying brought me to alarm, my heart racing and eyes wide I picked it up as fast as I could.
Me:"Una?"
Una:"She's gone Melisa, come home.."
Me:"I know. I felt it."
She cracked, was perhaps my younger sisters thought, my own bubble of darkness just kept growing in the silence I held on the way home. I had bought the ticket the next day and boarded the bus to travel home. My manager at work sounded unpleased but allowed me three days off to help handle affairs, though I had no clue what I was in for.

On the trip home, most of the while I could feel hands on my shoulders patting me. I kept looking around aware that something was going on, but didn't understand at the time the gravity of that, alone. I kept waking with the sound of someone saying my nickname but not seeing anyone there. But of absolute certainty that someone was there, listening, mourning with me and trying to cheer me on. When I arrived, I kept watch for my sister and my dad. Those two were inseparable at that time, though I had an intense dislike for my father, Una made it all worth while and soothed any hurts that his rough words may have had. I shuffled my bag over my shoulder, feeling that familiar weight of a hand to my brow that was not my own, I stumbled off the bus to face my family in our darkest hours.

My pocket was shaking with free change, but a roll of dollar bills coiled up inside of it. Money that was handed to my mother the minute I saw her and my two children on the porch when dad dropped me off. Not a penny was ever wasted, something mom had pounded into our skulls growing up. Una and Cindy both stuck right by my side, I kept plowing through the shadowy veils that hid the small smiles that greeted me at the door of my mothers home. My little ones, my little stars in the darkest night were what kept me going in-spite of distance, and length of time that I had been away I could still hear them calling me to them. "Nana! Nana! Nana's home!" Thomas and Laura both clung to my legs, hugging up on me the moment I stepped into the house, giggling and laughing as I tried to walk with them hanging on. I kept looking down and a cheesy grin plastered on my face.

Somehow, death didn't seem all that scary or sad then. As I tugged my legs around with my 3 and 4 year old hanging on for the ride, my heart, all that darkness that clung to it, just melted away. Norma was a great soul, a powerful presence, and a wise woman. She taught me alot growing up, how to sew, the beauty of watercolor painting, the fascination of the black & white movies, and musicals that constantly played in her house when we girls were over to visit. She taught me alot about cooking, and tending to gardens, and herbs that she had around the house when she started to get sick. I saw those two innocent faces upturned to my own, giggling and laughing with such pure joy, and it cleansed any of the hurt and sorrow away, as if a sun peeking through the thunderhead that piled to spill it's lightening upon the earth so far below.

Mom and Dad and my Aunt Gaylyn handled the funeral arrangements, while we girls tended to the little things. The flowers from the local stores and hospital staff. The sympathy notes and presents that were left for all of us, not just Dad and Aunt Gay. As hard as it all was, my children made it easier to handle, their laughter and smiles kept me going even with the thunderclouds hanging over head.

I'll never forget their smiles, and laughter, that made the trip and the funeral and the time worth more than any other living moment I had to share.

Rememberance - Minny Lou "Grammy"

I was going on fourteen years old when I finally got to meet my Grammy, Minny Lou. Our mother, Tammy, had left our father, Tony, earlier that week and we had come down after she had received news that Grammy was ill. We really didn't have any other place to go, Mom was out of work and struggling as it was, and Dad really wasn't interested in affairs outside of his own job at the time. Well, we pulled up in our old station wagon, damned thing was lucky to survive the drive from Mass all the way to Arkansas, it was steaming even when it hit the driveway. I do chuckle a bit looking back on that, it was funny really.

And lo' behold, the sight for almost every childs eyes. A woman stood at the doorway in a light blue housedress, and I swear to all thats holy and whatever powers above that be. I could have sworn she looked like a damned elf! She was short enough to be one, but alas, she wasn't. She was our Grandmother, Minny Lou. In all her four foot ten glory, she couldn't have weighted more than a hundred and ten pounds, but that woman could hit like a train with her sharp tongue, sharper wit and my god sharpest temper on earth. She had the coolest hair ever, curly red locks, though we girls found out later she was losing her real hair from chemotherapy but we didn't mind. She had a spirit that GLOWED! Bright as a neon sign!

Oh but she loved her sunflowers seeds. She had just quit smoking I think, my memory is kinda vague on this, but I do remember seeing cigarette butts in ashtrays around the house. Even before Row and Susan came to stay with Grammy. I remember begging to get a handful and always sneaking a little more just cause I loved the salty treats too! Got caught once, BOY did she paddle me for it. Never did it again after that. Always asked first. Mom loved being around her, she was always busy, buzzing about the house like a bee in a hive. It was funny actually, because Mom was never really that fast of a mover, she was kinda big in size and her moving about sometimes caused a bit of an issue. Especially in smaller doorways. Not big big, like wide hipped, folks. Don't get me wrong. She was a beautiful woman.

The gravity of the situation actually hit us girls pretty hard, we didn't realize how grave it really was until we noticed that Grammy was staying in her room more and more often, and rarely getting up for longer than a few minutes at a time. I remember her going to the hospital a few times for blood treatments? I can't say for sure, my memory is not the best, but with her illness she was losing alot of the immune systems defense and she was taking all kinds of medicines to protect herself. I recall watching her take some of her medicines and watching in awe as she took up to fifteen pills in one sitting, different colors sizes and shapes. I couldn't place myself in her shoes for a moment, the pain she must have been going through...unimaginable. The morning she passed on, I woke to the sound of a shout, and crying coming from her room. I had thought at first that she had woken up and everything was going to be dandy, but when I came down the stairs and saw Mom walk past with her face covered by her hands sobbing, I felt my heart pound and break at the same time. It was over, the pain, her suffering was over, but a big void opened up and swallowed all the important things around us up in one gulp.

I recall going to school the next day, I couldn't focus, I broke down in tears in first period and asked if I could be excused for the day. I remember walking home in a daze, not even really caring where my feet landed, or if I made it home at all, just seeking that gray solace of sleep and the empty dreams that awaited me there. I didn't get to sleep, Mom was buzzing about the house again, demanding why I was home from school, and asking me to go up to my room to clean it since I decided to come home early. I lied about cleaning my room, shoved things about, stuff clothes under my bed, hid all the trash from old homework that never saw the light of day or a teachers hand for that matter into my toy chest, and curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep.
I never felt so empty..

First post: An explaination

Good evening friends, family alike. I've personally invited you all to read these posts and comment on this blog, because I felt the need to share this gift that my Aunt has sent me. Though I've never really gotten to know her that well, she's always been the "teen" or the youth adult in our family, someone we girls knew and trusted and went to when things went awry or we had a problem and needed someone to talk to. Susan, I'll never forget how you guys handled the "stolen candy" affair in our household, and I cannot thank you and Row enough for making things fair for all three of us. Yes, that was a long time before Minny passed on, but I remember that as vividly as the taste of a good root beer.


Some of you are my closest friends, Russel, Alder, B, yall hung out with me and cheered me on and up from dark depths I didn't think I could crawl out of.

Una, Cindy, yall pushed me to keep going, to try no matter what odds were set against me. I'm really proud of how you both turned out, younger sisters or not, yall always will be my closest friends even if we are the same blood.

There are more though, Chris.
Now you I'm calling out for a special reason.
You suffered the same as we three girls had. We three lost our mother too soon, she was only 45 years young, and it took us all by surprise. Yours suffered like our grand mother had, the same woman that inspired our Aunt Susan to write such a beautiful book dedicated to her. This is my Christmas gift to you. Though it might be a little early, and it rests unfinished, this little blog, this tiny corner on the internet, is going to be dedicated to Mothers lost to daughters and sons all over the world. I won't unveil it yet, it has alot of work that needs to be done first, but I wanted you to know that this is meant to help, not hinder. To heal and mend, and learn from what our beloved deceased meant to teach us all.

This blog, is intended as a tool to heal the broken hearts from family loss. And a chance to express gratitude to not just the living, but the deceased as well. And now, I open the floor to all to begin sharing. The link I tied to this post is intended to share the wonderful works of my mothers sister, Susan. Please, I ask you all. Take the time to get these books and read them for yourselves. If you have them, read them again. They are a treasure that could not be priced in any monetary value I could even imagine.